i REALLY need a life

Like the title says; I really need a life. I... have a hard time putting what I mean by this into words. Not because I can't, but because I know other people read this and most don't think like I do. Let alone have their life and brain ruled by it. Most would probably assume I'm insane. But it's building up like hot air and because this is my forum I'm gonna pop this balloon.

I think in stories. Everyone has a character. There's always a villain and a hero. Usually a heroine because mostly the stories are about me because I can only live my life. SO that seems fairly simple doesn't it??? Ha! Shows how much you know!

Because I think this way I love characters. All kinds from hunky vampires to nerdy bookworms, molly Mormon, Jesus, innocent murderers, Dennis the Menace. I can appreciate even the villains and lots of time I like them. Dmitri and Felix, Voldemort, Macaulay Culkin in that movie with Elijah Wood (way back when they were both cute and filthy rich.), Johnny Depp in that one where he plays the recluse writer and plants corn over his ex-wife's body (you know you love it when he calls her boy toy a rubber necker). I analyze characters until I know them backwards and forwards. Reading and watching over and over and over. Only since I've been married have I been too abashed to write my conclusions down. I'm kinda anal about understanding them, which has translated into a better understanding of people. Thankfully this skill has become kinda useful.

Knowing this it's no surprise I was way into drama. Not valley girl drama or the drama club. But, the real actress in class, constantly studying performance and the art of selling yourself and audition. Not to become rich and famous, but to portray someone or something that another isn't able to understand without me as an instrument. I didn't care about the "art" in the film or play or the entire message. Only about the singular character I was to portray. Which may make me a selfish actress, but if I got her spot on then I didn't have to think about all of the motivations anymore. I literally became them. I did pretty well earning some acclaim among some stage people. I only say this to illustrate the depth of my "obsession". You haven't heard of me and They won't remember me, but They (the elusive they that makes all of the decisions for film and stage) knew of me.

It became my escape. A very fun escape and I became whoever my coach or director (or agent or manager) asked while still retaining my own identity.

But Hollywood and family don't mix.

This is going to get very private and personal so if that makes you uncomfortable go read a book. No I don't want to talk about it, I just want to try to let go of this ... pain-ish type thing.

I stopped several times over. I'm stopped now. But, I can not help but to be jealous to tears to see someone else portraying great characters. I can not help but to be so wrapped up in literature that I can barely function until I've finished the piece all the while shaping the characters on the page to ones that are more than realistic inside my head. I can not help but to cast my family into various roles in my own story... our own story. I can't help feeling as though some body's died. That's right died themselves dead.

Why?
????
????
????

Maybe because this... art form? OK this art form it is. I made it such an essential part of me, not doing it is like giving birth without and epi (Try it I dare you. You'll live but it hurts like hell!). But how??? How do I continue without sacrificing something of value? Right now there's no way. Jerm and I have tried to think of acceptable compromise, but it doesn't exist for us now. For me now. What a huge distraction made from a marvelous game of make believe. ~sigh~