Random Ramblings

So, I pretty much figure Heavenly Father likes me and He's satisfied with the progress I've made and am making. Not only me, but my entire family. However, I have noticed going to church is getting harder for us, because interacting with people there is hard. We are PEOPLE PEOPLE. It's absolutely ridiculous that saying "Hi" makes us feel awkward! I don't even really know these people, and frankly I really don't care what they think. I just prefer not to put myself in an environment where I feel unwanted. Which means I care a little even if I don't actually feel it or understand.

Our ward is like Romeo and we Juliet. They're on the prosperous side of the spectrum. We're to the left of poor (really, really poor). They're mainly educated. We're mainly... not.They're stable. We're trying to get it together. All opposites. Makes for a fiery love story, but a horrible friendship.

The weird thing is; we genuinely like the people we've gotten to know and everyone we've talked to seems to agree with us. We all think everyone is pretending to not judge us. Weird huh?

Personally, I've never fit in at an LDS Church. But, it was okay with me in the singles ward because I really didn't care. Family ward is different. Maybe it was that time there was some problem in my Sunday school class and everyone knew except for me. Nobody felt like telling me til the shit hit the fan. Daddy (that's what we'll call him) apologized for yelling at me and I really appreciate it. But maybe I could have fixed it if someone (the parents, Primary President, or the Bishop, who all knew) had told me. I've been yelled at my whole life. The yelling really didn't bug me so much. Maybe it was the day at play group where Mommy Mormon kept her kid from playing with my little girl who got her feelings hurt so badly that day she cried about it later that evening. She was only a year and something and couldn't stop thinking about it. We don't go to play group anymore. And, maybe I'm the worst because I'm playing this stupid game instead of demanding the apologies my family deserves like I normally would. Besides if these people don't know they've done anything they deserve to. If they don't know they would then, and we could prevent it later.

I don't do it because people don't respond well to confrontation. Even kindly gentle confrontation. Nobody taught them how to handle pure honesty. They get defensive when you talk about how you feel and why. Really when you're offended by someone it's not so much about them. It's you and your coping strategy and doing everything within your power to forgive them. Even if it was you who was actually in the wrong. How do you know if social codes build a barrier your too chicken to break? Talking about the issue is how yo get your reality check.

This is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dumb! But, I don't feel like it's okay to talk about. Woe is me!